


Keep Lying

by TheAlphaBi



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz (Two River Cast) RPF
Genre: An old vent fic I never posted, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I'm sorry if I did Michael and Rich dirty in this fic, M/M, Night Terrors, PTSD, Self-Harm, Self-Harm (scratching), Shit went down and I had a lot of emotions, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Crush, dont worry I'm fine now !!, i am NOT a Rich/Michael hater don't attack mE, which bmc cast is up to you I keep it vague enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 09:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16678573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAlphaBi/pseuds/TheAlphaBi
Summary: Jeremy is in love with Michael.Michael doesn't love Jeremy.(Hhh an angsty vent fic I wrote like three months ago. I'm doing better, dw !! I was just really struggling with some shit)





	Keep Lying

 

Jeremy watched Michael's life from the sidelines.

While he was the one Michael depended on the most, he was always benched, always the one behind. Wanting to catch up. Waiting until he was needed, only to slip away when he wasn't anymore. Despite this, he was always there, waiting for him at their apartment, through thick and thin. Even through those dark and hazy nights, when they'd smoked too much, when Jeremy wanted nothing more than to be able to leave over and capture Michael's lips in his.

"We're friends, right?"

Michael asked the stupidest questions when he was high, his eyes glinting through the dark, whenever those rare moments of insecurity swept through, a small glimpse of the seemingly unstoppable man's own mortality. Michael was thick-skinned. He could handle the rumors and the names and labels because he was strong. He was confident. He was comfortable in his own skin.

He wasn't Jeremy.

Michael would be the one to rush to his side when he woke up screaming. When that horribly cold voice was ringing in his ears and that pair of emotionless eyes burned into his tear-clouded vision. When his nails were bloody and his thin arms were streaked, like he was trying to escape the boiling under his own skin. Michael would be the one to hold him close, whispering soft nothings and reassurances to him, pulling his hands away from his arms, and brushing the sweat-sticky hair out of his face.

It always seems like Michael is invincible, so these moments would be cherished, yet stay unspoken. Jeremy would look over, a smile he didn't quite feel gracing his face.

"Of course, Micah."

Michael's hesitation in his eyes would vanish in an instant, and Jeremy wished he was able to reassure himself as he did Michael. Michael would smile and hold Jeremy closer. They'd always been touchy and comfortable with that. Michael never knew how much pain he caused him sometimes and Jeremy preferred it that way. It was his fault for letting his emotions get the better of him anyways.

Jeremy wanted to kiss him. He wanted so badly to lean over and let out all of his feelings that he's harbored for years in a single action. He wants Michael to know and smile and say those three words he longs to hear before he kisses him.

Michael moved away to look at Jeremy, smiling in a way that he knew would never substitute the love he longed for.

"Who would I be without my player 2?"

.  
.  
.  
.  
.

When it came to relationships, Michael was a charmer. A flirt. A loudmouth. Albeit, a bit awkward. Men were always picking a fight with him and men were always hanging off of him. Michael never complained; after high school, he began to hook up with men left and right. Jeremy had seen it all.

But nothing like this.

 

 **{Player 1}** **(5:23)**  jeremy

 

 **{Player 1} (5:25)** jeremy

 

 **{Player 1} (5:29) **jeremy god damn it answer your phONE !!!

  
**{Player 1} (5:33)** JEREMIAH HEERE I SWEAR TO GOD

 

 **{Player 2} (5:35)** wha the fuvk 

 

 **{Player 2} (5:36)** its like 5 am

  
**{Player 2} (5:36)** why arent you home yet

 

 **{Player 1} (5:38)** Okay so I was at a bar and guess who I ran into?

  
**{Player 1} (5:38) **RICHARD

  
**{Player 1} (5:38) **FUCKING

  
**{Player 1} (5:39)** GORANSKI

  
**{Player 1} (5:44)** You still there J?

 

 **{Player 2} (5:45)** you went to a bar without letting me know? wow rude 

 

 **{Player 1} (5:45)** Awww, you jealous?

 

Jeremy's heart clenched.

 

 **{Player 2} (5:46)** shut up

 

 **{Player 1} (5:47)** Don't worry, I still love you the most p2 <3

 

Jeremy felt his heart twist painfully in his chest. Michael would never love him in the way Jeremy loved him.

 

 **{Player 2} (5:47)** please explain why you think this is an okay reason to wake me up at ass o' clock in the morning

  
**{Player 2} (5:48)** rich told us he would be in town for a while

 

 **{Player 1} (5:48)** Oh, right

  
**{Player 1} (5:48)** Dude

  
**{Player 1} (5:48)** I scored a date with him

 

A date. Michael always hooked up with men, he brought random guys home, but he hardly went on dates. Somehow, someone wooed in into one.

Someone that wasn't him.

Even worse, it was Rich, who grew to be one of his close friends after the-

He swallowed.

He didn't want to think about _it_.

Jeremy feigned enthusiasm for him. It was always for him.

 

 **{Player 2} (5:48)** thats great man

 

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.

 

Rich and Michael went on four dates before becoming official. They were a good couple, Jeremy couldn't deny. They seemed to play off of each other, their personalities complementing one another, and Michael couldn't be happier. Soon enough, though, Michael was spending less and less time with Jeremy. Most days, when Michael had the time, they'd play video games in near silence. In those days when they did talk, Michael would ramble and gush about Rich and what they did today or yesterday or last week or last month. It was adorable. 

Jeremy just wished it was _him_.

 Soon enough, Michael would be leaving to go to Rich's. He'd leave with a hurried goodbye. No more hugs or special handshake. He never glanced back as Jeremy stood at the door, dejected and hurt.

While Michael was gone, happy and content with his boyfriend, Jeremy would lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, tears spilling over and self-hatred consuming him. He hated that he couldn't just be happy and supportive for them. He hated that it'd been nearly four months and he couldn't move on. He hated how selfish he was.

Jeremy knew he wasn't happy. But if Michael was happy, he couldn't care less.

As long as Michael was in his life, he couldn't care less.

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"We need to talk about this, Jeremy."

Chloe, Brooke, and Jenna sat across from him in the diner's booth, while Jake and Christine were squished against his sides, sandwiching him.

Jeremy didn't want to come. He was practically dragged here by Christine and he wanted nothing more than to go back to the apartment to loathe him existence some more. Loathe over how everyone went through the trouble to show up for him. Everyone except Michael and Rich.

"You hardly come out anymore and when you do, you look like absolute shit!" Chloe exclaimed not-so-gently. Brooke subtly slid a hand over her arm and squeezed, gently. Chloe glanced at her for a brief moment before turning back to Jeremy, her voice considerably softer. "You have to tell us whats wrong." 

"I'm fine," Jeremy protested automatically, almost robotically. "It just hasn't been a good week for me."

"We're trying to help you man. We can't if you won't work with us," Jake's words were blunt, but everyone could tell by the gentle tilt in his voice that he truly did care.

"You can't keep all of this in, Jere," Christine pleaded with him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Just tell us what's going on. We're all really worried."

"Not all of you, obviously," Jeremy gritted out bitterly before he could stop himself. The booth went silent as his words clipped through the air.

"Jeremy, this isn't just a bad week. You've been like this for nearly two months," Jenna broke the silence and spoke up, reaching across the table to squeeze his hand. "Please, talk to us,"

Jeremy smiled weakly and squeezed back. For Michael...

 

"No, really, I'm fine. Just tired."

 

He'll keep lying.

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.

What was a tiny argument turned into a blow-up.

"You're not my mom, _Jeremy_ ," Michael hissed, voice laced with venom. "You don't need to know where I am 24/7! God, stop fucking _coddling_ me!"

"You're just never home anymore! You could be _dead_ in a ditch for all my fucking knowledge!" Jeremy spat back with a deadly glare, trembling with rage. "Why the fuck do you even live here if you're never home?!"

"Jesus- honestly, you can be so _needy_! You're twenty-fucking-three years old! Grow up! Stop acting like a _fucking baby_ -" Michael snarled, eyes flaring with anger as he thrust a finger against Jeremy's chest, sending him stumbling for a moment. "-And stop acting like you're my fucking _boyfriend_!"

Whatever Jeremy was going to snap back with disintegrated on his tongue. He just stared, with a wild, hurt expression on his face.

"You can't do anything yourself! If you can't grow up and deal with me moving on in life, I'll walk out this fucking door right now!"

When Michael said that, Jeremy wanted to stop. He wanted to apologize and insist they forget about the stupid fight and watch a movie or play monopoly or smoke the last of their weed and fall asleep in the basement. He wanted to beg him not to leave him alone. But the pain and anger ripping apart his heart was too much.

"Then _leave_! I don't fucking care! Years of friendship doesn't matter to you apparently, I obviously don't mean _shit_ to you!" He screamed, tears flowing heavily down his face.

For once in Jeremy's life, he couldn't read Michael's expression. He couldn't read the emotions in his eyes. Michael walked right past him before he could even try.

Jeremy didn't move. He hardly _breathed_. He could hear Michael packing up his things. He was frozen.

Michael was gone in a record of six minutes, and only after the door slammed did Jeremy allow himself to drop to the floor in broken sobs.

.  
.  
.  
.  
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.

 

 _It_ began talking to him again.

Jeremy pulled himself out of bed, sticky and dirty. All his limbs ached and, despite staying in bed for god knows how long, the circles under his eyes were darker than ever.

Michael's contact went cold. No new texts, no calls, no voice mails. He got a bombardment of texts and hundreds of missed calls from Jenna, Chloe, Brooke, Christine, Jake, and even Rich, but after a few days, they had long stopped.

They gave him space to grieve.

He didn't know how long it's been since he left his bed. After not showing up for work for about a week, he was for sure jobless. He felt disgusting.

 

He felt weak, gross, and worthless.

 

He flicked on the lights, dragging himself to the bathroom and splashing water on his face, black spots swimming in his vision. Bending down, he reached underneath the sink.

Leaning against the bathroom wall, he stared at the pill bottle in his hands, half empty from neglect. The doctors said it would help with his PTSD and night terrors. Now, more than anything, he wanted them to help him with something else.

It was so tempting. It would be easy. He wanted to more than ever, his body burned for that release. There was nobody there to stop him.

 

Then that voice, quiet and yet clearly audible, whispered to him.

 

_Do it._

 

Jeremy didn't react. He was too tired to.

 

_What's the holdup?_

 

"Stop," He whispered aloud to himself.

 

_Do it already._

 

"Leave me alone."

 

_I know you want to._

 

Jeremy lowered his head. He was so, so tired.

 

_You should rest now._

 

He lifted his hand and began to unscrew the bottle.

He was just about to tip the bottle's contents into his hands when his phone vibrated loudly against the tile floor, shattering whatever resigned sense of peace swept over him.

Jeremy slowly picked up his phone, swiping once he saw the contact.

 

 **{Dad} (7:26)** Hey bud! You doing alright? I haven't heard from you in a few days.

  
**{Dad} (7:27) **I was wondering if you wanted to spend some time with your old man! Maybe an X-men Movie Marathon, like the old times. How does tomorrow sound?

  
**{Dad} (7:28)** You can even bring Michael if you want!

 

  
Jeremy felt the tears start falling, and he practically threw the bottle away from him, disgusted and ashamed of himself.

 

 **{Jeremy} (7:30)** actually could i come now? i dont have work. michael wont be able to come though

 

 **{Dad} (7:31)** Oh? Why's that?

 

**_{Jeremy is typing...}_ **

**Author's Note:**

> So yep. Falling in love with your best friend (who is already dating one of your other best friends) sucks major ass. I'm doing better though, don't worry about it! Just thought I should post this since chapters for my on-going fic take a while to be updated.


End file.
